07.06.10
Deaf and alive
Strange to say I’ve never seen an ear consultant.Well strange if you were born deaf. Or at least I think that I was.Stranger to say that when I did see a consultant it was like Moses parting the water.My Moses is a lady and she is deaf..But strangest of all was that I opened a very closed and very large dark room that no one had been allowed into.Certainly not me.A room full of shadows and strange echoes.The decision to go finally to a consultant was to see if I was suited for a Cochlear implant.Till now I just bought hearing aids on my own.In time they got bigger and better and my hearing go smaller and worse.So I had a solution or so I thought.No questions. I just wanted an answer; Yes or No.Was I suited for an implant? Yes or No.Thats when the shock set in.I was examined patiently and extremely thoroughly.I started saying things that I would never admit.All very clinical but gentle and humane.Then the clincher.The Professor saw me surrounded by her staff and she introduced them.I was a wee bit nervous.’Well your functioning and hearing are much worse than your hearing test would indicate’.'Does that mean there is something wrong with my brain?”Certainly not– If I talk loudly you understand. It is in your ears . We have to find out how you are incapacitated and then find solutions. ‘I must have looked blank.So she added, ‘ You are suited for the operation but that is the easy way out. We may be able to improve things without one.’‘Does that mean that you can make me hear better?”Of course, but first sit a few hours to do some more tests especially with the Communication Therapist.‘I went out with tears in my eyes.I agreed to make more appointments.Starting with the Communication Therapist.Went home and in the night alone it all became clear.I went through my mind what I was going to say.The Prof had said that it would include questions like do I avoid going to the theatre because I cannot hear?Yes I do and more much more.I cannot really hear what anyone says.I hear something as words.Somethings I cannot hear at all.I hear somethings as words but as if in a foreign unknown language.Sometimes I know the possible translation and can fit one in,sometimes I cannot.Every sentence is like in a process whereby I am fitting in the missing pieces and trying to store the next sentence to be processed.Sometimes I don’t manage.Sometimes I can re-synthesise missing sentences.Sometimes I cannot.If the person has a high pitch voice it is harder.Nigh on impossible.Low and booming is easy.Two people together is impossible.All this means that I don’t go to Theatres.But more than that.Much more.All the family meet on a Friday.I haven’t a clue what they are talking about.Not a clue.They think that I am rude or eccentric because I read a paper.Conversations are like watching fish open and close their mouths.But I am the one with my head under the water.Everything is muffled and distorted.We have a family custom of celebrating birthdays at restaurants.There I am the life and soul of the party .I speak and joke.It’s a monologue with a friendly crowd.The minute audience participation kicks in I am kicked out.Back into the real world with the goldfish.Certain people, very close would be amazed.I haven’t heard what they have said for years if at all.Not really ever understood them.There is a guy at work. I have worked with on and off 40 years. He tells jokes. He must think that I am his biggest fan.I’ve never heard one of them.He smiles at the end of his jokes.If it’s a good joke he laughs.So do I .Thats how I get by.I don’t trust him. I cant hear him so how can I?He doesn’t trust me because he must feel that I am very false.But all is unspoken and undealt with.Pity as I think that I would have enjoyed him.Something else that slipped by whilst I was coping.Coping that’s the name of the game.You noticed I said I think that I was born deaf.I didn’t know that people heard better than me.How could I?Every time I said ‘What?’. The answer was ‘You heard’.So if I heard it meant that I had to produce something so I guessed.I am a good guesser.But if I guess wrong then it’s a mess.So I learned to fudge.Never answer directly.Never compromise yourself with an initial answer that leaves you open.Keep things going so that you can verify quietly.Either let the subject drop into vagueness and then re ascertain or give vague answers or jokes to make sure that you are on the right page and on the right line.Make jokes about yourself, because you are going to make a fool of yourself anyway!I learned a new trick. To ask the person to ‘restate that clearly and slowly so that the point would be absolutely clear’.It gives the impression that there are a few possibilities that I can see and they cannot.I do it with a smile so not to intimidate the other.But it gives me time.So hear I am floating alone in a fog.I can hear others hailing me but it’s all very distorted.But I have coped.Quite successfully as a Therapist.administrator and even in local politics.How?Well firstly I can manipulate clarity and vagueness.I make sure that everything is clear to everyone.But as I can tolerate a certain level of vagueness once I know that everything is clear I leave people alone to function..I have leaned to pick up non verbal cues when things are going wrong.I make sure that any vagueness is only ‘allowed’ by me.There will be clarity when speaking to me and that I say serious things very clearly.It took me time to realise that it was confusing to work with me and for me.I come across a nice guy.Then a demanding one.So I cling to the ‘nice guy’ part by being nice and considerate. [Which I find easy as I do like people].Above all I smile. I smile a lot.I cope at work and in politics.But all this wrecked a normal family life.No spontaneity and lots of misunderstandings and anger.Sounds pretty miserable.When I started out writing I thought so too.But there are plusses.Quite a lot.I learned that people are nice. They can do horrible things but we all can.Leading this way of life means I can give more lee way to people and events.I have the skills to read things and the ability to improvise.I have learned that smiling is for others and its nice.Laughing is for all of us and we all love it.I laugh a lot lately.I have learned that determination is more than ability but you do need ability too!Experience is the best teacher.Whilst fudging and fighting I realised that I’ve done a lot.Got a lot.A wonderful family who I want to enjoy, a wonderful profession that I can still add to , a wonderful country that I want to change for the better and believe that I can.But to do this I have to do more than cope.I have to converse.I am ready.I look to my deaf Moses of the deaf to part the seas and take me across.Michael
